St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1448
st theresa.jpg Good afternoon,

I write to you from my temporary accommodation in the Caretaker’s Office, where I intend to remain firmly in place until Ms Foster no longer needs the Headmistress’s office, which she has just spent a very reasonable £1bn redecorating in orange. She has also replaced my desk with a barrel, over which she holds me during our regular negotiations.

The important issue this week is of course the A-word, not Arlene, but Austerity. Saving money is nearly as important as giving it to Ms Foster, so that is what I will be talking about in this newsletter.

St Theresa’s has to live within our means. We can’t go throwing money around to everyone who asks. If we suddenly reverse my previous promise not to give everyone a pay rise, then it will cost jobs, particularly mine and the Bursar’s. So, when I said in Assembly that we definitely won’t be shaking the magic money tree, which doesn’t exist anyway, I didn’t expect half the staff to start shouting “Tell us more about this magic money tree! Can we have some?”

I expected something silly from Mr Johnson, naturally, but I’ve only just reappointed Mr Gove to the Staff Room. You’d think he could remain loyal for five minutes, although perhaps I should have listened to Mr Johnson who is an expert on loyalty(!), who assured me that Mr Gove could only last ten seconds without trying to stab someone in the back. So here he is, on the naughty chair, once again…

Mrs T May (Headmistress)

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In This Issue private eye
Prime minister reaches out to opposition for help… Tories ‘steal’ yet another Labour idea… World appalled at time Trump spends on golf course… Those Sports Direct company meeting minutes in full… Jeremy Paxman: Me and My Spoon… Shylock defends Venetian student loan scheme… Iraq celebrates as rubble liberated

And also...

- Eye World: Troubled times in Manila, Zurich and Istanbul
- Diary: Owen Jones reports from the seaside, as tweeted to Craig Brown

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Private Eye Issue 1447