"Mark Allen won the opening frame, but he's never been in front in this match"
DENNIS TAYLOR, BBC2

"Oh he's stroking his balls, lovely at the moment"
DENNIS TAYLOR, BBC2

"Talk about setting fire to the flames, at Norwich!"
RESHMIN CHOWDHURY, TalkSport

"Ronnie is the greatest of all time by some distance. Stephen is a close second"
DENNIS TAYLOR, Pluto TV

"And they're finally making their way off the field the Chelsea players, pulling themselves off"
JOHN SOUTHALL, Radio 5 Live

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.