St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1463
st theresa.jpg Good afternoon – or, as we say in China – good afternoon, sir.

Here I am visiting our good friends at the Beijing Academy of Authoritarian Capitalism, with their delightful Headmaster Xi Kerching.

I’m inspecting their million-strong CCF (still no match for Atkins, T) on my goodwill trip to sell St Theresa’s to the Chinese – and I mean, literally: school buildings, houses, playing fields, nuclear boilers, stationery cupboards or any other facilities that take their fancy.

I had a great trip with Philip (husband, not soon-to-be ex-Bursar), who confused our hosts a little as they expected a male British consort called Phil to do jokes about slitty eyes. We started off in the province of Kowtow, then moved on to Suk Kup and ended up in the thriving metropolis of Ah Slik. 

The traditional exchange of gifts with Mr Kerching went extremely well. I gave him a DVD box set of Blue Planet 2, which he thought was a cooking programme and said, “They look delicious, I’ll have all of them”. In return, he gave me a million tonnes of plastic waste and said, “This is yours, we’re not going to deal with it anymore.” I gave it to Phil, because as I may have mentioned, taking out the rubbish is a boy’s job.

Mr Kerching also presented me with the bill for the new school boiler, which was a little higher than the original estimate, but after our recent problems with Gazillion, the outsourced school maintenance department, I thought I wouldn’t mention it.

A lot of you were concerned as to whether the tricky subject of human rights would come up in our Head-to-Head talks and I can assure you it did. Indeed, Mr Kerching brought it up himself, saying, “I’m very worried that you’re being bullied and imprisoned in your office, spending days in solitary confinement, talking to no one.”

I thanked him for his concern but reassured him, telling him I was fine and now had appointed a new friend, the Head of Loneliness, Ms Crouch. She has already been very helpful and advised me to buy myself an Alexa, so that at least someone would listen to me and do what I say. I bought an Alexa and also a Siri, as I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted. They are now talking together happily, though they do seem to ignore me.

Mr Kerching laughed when I told him this and said, “Who cares? They’re both made in China! Give us all your money and go away!” which I understand is a traditional Chinese farewell…

For now, that is.
Not permanently, obviously.

Mrs T May

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20th February 2018
In This Issue private eye
Theresa May Defies Critics by Pledging to Remain Tory Leader Until The End of This Article… Moron Interviews Moron: Those Killer Questions in Historic Trump Interview… Fantastic Mr Fox Warns ‘Things May Not Be Fantastic Right Away’… It’s Eugenie vs Meghan in the Big Wedding Play-Off!... Ban the Catwalk Fashion Girls, Says No One At All… Sarah Ferguson’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

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- Service industry: The soldiers, sailors and airmen on loan to the arms trade
- We are sailing…
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- Worst among equals:
How the BBC made the pay gap crisis worse

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Private Eye Issue 1462