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St Theresa

School Discipline
Issue 1437
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Many people expressed concern that I didn’t take issue with Mr Trump’s rather unorthodox view that pupils undergoing oral examinations should be waterboarded in order to elicit the correct answers.

Although I said nothing to Mr Trump about this, I can reassure parents that I gave him the answers he wanted before he subjected me to any torture at all.

At St Theresa’s we obviously do not condone flushing people’s heads down the toilet as a method of getting people to say what we want, but who are we to criticise other schools?

As I was saying to my good friend Mr Erdogan, Head of the Turkish School of Extremely Hard Knocks, it’s up to him if he feels that capital punishment is appropriate for crimes such as running a school magazine, writing graffiti, talking after curfew, or girls failing to wear full school uniform in the swimming pool.

Live and let live, as I say. Though Mr Erdogan doesn’t agree. Which is fine, because it’s a free country. Except when it isn’t.

Mrs T May (Headmistress)

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In This Issue private eye
Dans le Love Nest with Mlle Ferrutti & M Farrago… Humpty Dumpty Served With Bill for Wall – Nursery Times Exclusive… Historic Day of Hyperbole as MPs Ratify Legislative Triggering Mechanism… Abbottsenteeism: A Doctor Writes… 1.3bn Chinese Sign Petition Over Dictator Trump’s State Visit to Britain… Tabloid Joy as Maddie Story Found… Edward Heath – Was He a Europhile?... That Trump-Turnbull Phone Call in Full… Lucy Worsley’s Histwee Lesson, as told to Craig Brown

And also...

- Tosh ’n’ Becks: How the Times and Sunday Times were silenced
- Bankers are back! Slicker on dismantling the Dodd-Frank reforms
- Offshore wind: Tax haven businesses backing Britain's ‘Midlands Engine’

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Private Eye Issue 1436