The correspondence from Private Eye readers that simply refuses to Con Clude, X. Pyre, Bea Over, Peter Rout or come to a satisfying Den Ouement…

Sir,
I agree with Mr Juan Tanamo
(Pseudo Names, Eye 1234) that G. Hadd deserves locking up, but not in some namby-pamby holiday camp jail. I suggest he samples some of the techniques recently outlawed by Softy Obama.
WALTER BOARDING.
(Graham Ashton)

Sir,
Here in Lancashire near Spain we do not think you need to end your Pseudo Names feature, as it will soon dry up.
JOSE PIPE.
(Patrick Hall)

Sir,
I would love to contribute a “pseudo name”, but you wouldn’t print it, so what’s the point?
DEE FEATIST.
(George Chamberlain)

Sir,
These people who persist in amusing themselves with frivolities must be infantile and mindless. At least I’ve got a good head on my shoulders!
DAN DRUFF.

Sir,
It’s high time this subject was brought to a dignified end.
YOUTHA NASIA.
(Howard Sprenger)

Sir,
I agree with Rosetta Stone
(Eye 1234). It is very difficult to work out the hidden meanings of most of the Pseudo Names. I spend hours and hours trying to find them. I suspect my Austrian/Punjabi parentage doesn’t help either.
HAYDN SIKH.
(Graham Fardon)

Sir,
Your pseudonymous correspondence feature seems to be largely ignored by the vast majority, while a minority of otherwise sensible adults appear to have allowed it to take over their lives, it having assumed an entirely disproportionate significance for them. Surely this phenomenon is unprecedented?
DR HU.
(Duncan Mackinnon)

Sir,
A Pam Flett is one thing
(see Pseudo Names, Eye 1234) but a Lee Flett is better.
KEITH FLETT.
(Keith Flett)

Sir,
Your last issue was No. 1234. What next?
FYFE JUANS
IKE ORTA-FISH
AL IVE
(Peter Barnes)

Sir,
Here in Oklahoma, the Pseudo Names craze is especially popular with the automotive maintenance department.
LOU BOYLE &
PHIL TERCHANGE.
(David Chorley, Tulsa, Oklahoma)

Sir,
Pseudo Names: you say you’ll stop, but I think that’s a lie.
POLY GRAFF.
(Ajay Jain)

Sir,
Can’t we find some common ground between those who want to keep it going and those who want to end it?
BARRY D. HATCHET.
(Mrs B. Trellis)

Sir,
No one can imagine what I’ve been through to come up with this name.
ELLEN I. WATER.
(David Payne)

Sir,
Pseudo Names letter writers unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!
MARK SIST.
(Richard Mollet)

Sir,
Pseudo Names: just a load of self-indulgent navel-gazing.
BELLE E. BUTTON.
(S.J. McCready)

Sir,
I am appalled to hear of the demise of this column when it has barely left the ground floor. It just needs a little lift.
RAY DE CHAUSSEY
& L. EVATOR.
(Tim Walker)

Sir,
I think this whole idea sucks.
A. HOOVER.
(Roger Thomas)

Sir,
These silly people who keep writing in with made-up names are turning the Eye into a farce.
MORT E. VICKER.
(Simon Chaplin)

Sir,
We’ve been struggling to see the point of this column, but I think we may just have discovered it.
URI KA
R. KIMEEDES.
(John Riches)

Sir,
We think those Pseudo Names are a cunning monument to anal humour.
THE BROTHERS FISS
(ARTIE, EDDIE AND ORRIE).

Sir,
Must you persist with the puerile Pseudo Names feature? Along with frequent misspellings, poor grammar and questionable factual accuracy, this is just another example of your slipshod attitude and cavalier approach to quality assurance.
STAN DARDS
R. SLIPPING.
(Bryan Ratcliff)

Sir,
I have been puzzled by the appearance in my garden of a number of yellow flowers which I have no recollection of planting. Perhaps one of your readers could help me to identify them.
DAN D. LION.
(John Burgess)

Sir,
With its silly names column Private Eye really is sinking to new depths.
LUCY TANIA.
(S. Tallis)

Sir,
The continued publication of these letters simply encourages infantile behaviour and is bad for morale.
MAJOR LOOK
MAJOR STARE
MAJOR LUCY R. UNDERWEAR.
(Lee Melin)

Sir,
I think Pseudo Names is hilarious. It’s my laughter therapy. It makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Ha ha ha – there I go again, I just can’t stop laughing.
NYE TRUSSOCKS-HYDE.
(Gerard Rowen)

Sir,
Repeatedly threatening to close the Pseudo Names correspondence makes you about as popular as Richard the Third.
A. HORSE
A. HAWSE
MIKE INGDOM
FARRAH HAWSE.
(J. Jones)

Sir,
I am no longer prepared to pay airmail rates for your magazine to be sent to me in Moscow if you are going to continue to fill it with rubbish like this column. Please cancel my subscription.
I. VADINOV.

Sir,
I am appalled that you allow so many workshy immigrants and benefit-scrounging single mothers to waste my time with this Pseudo Names nonsense. Lock them up and throw away the key, I say. It’s the only way to make Britain great again.
DALE
(email)
(Rob Allsopp)

Sir,
We’ve just been reading the Eye in the lounge at Gatwick Airport and we think that Pedantry Corner and Pseudo Names are both brilliant.
A. RIVALS and D. PARTURES.

Sir,
Calling for an end to Pseudo Names is futile. We’ve had a discussion and feel the point of no return has been reached.
RUBY CONN and MADGE ENO.
(Paul Smith)

Sir,
Bless you for continuing Pseudo Names. It is one of the many things that make life worth living...
ANDY FINK
TOMMY SELF
WAT URE
WANDA FULWELL.
(Simon Copley)

Sir,
I’m sorry but I won’t be able to send you any Pseudo Names for the next issue – I’m washing my hair.
TIM O’TAY.
(J. Jones)

Sir,
A way to finish this column once and for all is to create a fictitious page in the magazine where you claim further entries will be continued.
PAIGE NINETYFOUR.
(Michael Spells)