IT STARTED quietly enough on the Letters page in September 2008 (Private Eye 1218), with a short note from reader Harry Smith, aka “Aston Villa”, defending the Birmingham accent.
This prompted a response in the next issue from reader “Carl Isleunited”, warning of the dangers of the Eye’s Letters pages being infiltrated by other desperate football fans with too much time on their hands. Then it snowballed...
Many thanks to the hundreds of Private Eye readers who have contributed to this childish correspondence that, try as we might, refuses to die...

Sir,
I agree the Pseudo Names saga had got out of control. However, I think it is a great pity, in these gloomy times, you feel fit to deny the little pleasures which I am sure the vast majority of your readers enjoy. This service should not be withdrawn or I shall be forced to cancel my subscription.
Yours etc,
RAY N.S. TAIT.
(W. Hutchings)

Sir,
Great to see you haven’t given in to the whingers and continue to delight us with Pseudo Names. We especially like the international mix of the correspondence.
ATTA BOYKI
PAM CUMMING.
(Gerard Rowen)

Sir,
As the head of a troubled bank, I am truly grateful to you for your Pseudo Names section as it takes my mind off suicide.
OWEN BILLIONS.

Sir,
I am so pleased that your Pseudo Names section continues to grace the pages of your august organ.
GLADYS KNOTT-ALLOVER.

Sir,
Can’t you people get it into your heads? Readers don’t want a silly Pseudo Names section every fortnight.
CANDACE REILLY-BEHAPPENIN.

Sir,
As I see it, the only way left for me to avoid your Pseudo Names sections is to join a monastery.
O. LEE-ORDERS.

Sir,
Your Pseudo Names section is beautiful – a veritable symphony of joyous nonsense.
FINN LANDIER.

Sir,
I am pleased you have decided to continue your Pseudo Names section. I may not know much about pseudo-names but I know what I like.
PHYLLIS TYNE.

Sir,
Ha! I note that you’ve reopened the Pseudo Names correspondence in the very next issue after declaring it closed. Did you really think you could fight the collective will of your readership?
EUAN HOOS-AHMEE.
(J. Jones)

Sir,
It is rumoured that the Pseudo Names section is ending. This is entirely unsatisfactory and a vote should be taken on the issue.
MOIRA TORIUM.
(Jeff Baynham)

Sir,
Your Japanese subscribers absolutely love this feature. Keep up the good work.
HARRY GATEAU.
(Robert Nowicki)

Sir,
I have started a petition to reclaim the Letters pages from those with nothing better to do than create names for their own amusement. My supporters are noted below. I have also taken some drastic personal action as a response.
ALISTAIR NAMES
(formerly IONA SUBSCRIPTION),
Supported by
Y D’YUE
DEL IBRATLY
ANT AGONISE
U.R. READERS.
(Scott Burns)

Sir,
So enjoyed the little diversion with all those clever people making up silly names. We needed that in these dark and difficult days. And so upset when it was to end.
M.T. FEELING.
(David Sanderson)

Sir,
Please don’t stop them, if you do I’ll jump.
SUE E. SIDAL.
(Maggie Robins)

Sir,
You have not kept your promise to close this silly correspondence. It depresses me.
DAI LAFFIN.

Sir,
We are two Liverpudlian sisters, one of whom has a lively sense of humour and enjoys all the funny names, whereas the other just can’t see the point.
LAURA & NORA LORRALAFFS.
(Tony Balazs)

Sir,
Not only is this item becoming intolerable, but the recent early Christmas wishes (Letters, Eye 1229) from your correspondent is tenuous to say the least.
WENDY REHDREAD
ROBIN KHUMS
BOW BAW
BOBBY NAHLONG.
(Alastair Galbraith)

Sir,
I have perused your organ for over 40 years but we have never actually laughed out loud until I read the letter re “White Christmas”. Pure genius.
ELLA VAGUDYOKE
DON TEVERSTOP.
(Tony Howarth)

Sir,
Your readers should be ashamed of your obsession with made-up names.
MS R.E. GUTZ.
(Howard Taylor)

Sir,
Enough!
COLLETTA DAY.
(Tom Frost)

Sir,
Re: Crossword. Is it me or is your resident cruciverbalist starting to lose the plot? The ruse of using infantile made-up names taken from your Letters section as answers really does take the biscuit.
FORD HOWNE
JUAN ACROSS.
(David Nee)

Sir,
I would like to caution other Eye readers against disposing of their back copies too early, as the rather amusing “Pseudo Names” thread is now being referenced in your Crossword.
THERESA WARENESS.
(Steve Dowd)

Sir,
I have been dithering about whether to join your Pseudo Names correspondence for several weeks. Am I now too late?
DILLIE TANTAY.
(Andrew Mountstephen)

Sir,
What a pity you have decided to discontinue this correspondence. Even a Sino-Hispanic visitor such as myself can find much to applaud in the British fondness for clever word-play.
JUAN CHOO RECONSIDA.
(Susan Andrews)

Sir,
My platoon is currently in Afghanistan. Can you please tell me the name of the journal running a pseudo names series which we re told is quite amusing?
PRIVATE I. READER.
(Allan Blacher)

Sir,
We, the undersigned virologists, were disappointed to read in Susan Sontag’s diary entry (Literary Review, Eye 1228) “…that mumps are probably better than measles”. Mumps is not the plural of mump, so the phrase should be “…that mumps is probably better than measles”.
SUSAN URE
MIKE ROBEY
AL SINTAKSIS
A. PAULING.
(George F. Winter)

Sir,
Now that your readers have much more leisure time, how’s about starting a recipe column?
R. T. CHOKE.
(Allan Blacher)

Sir,
Don’t think you’ve seen the end of letters from people with made-up names, because you haven’t. There’ll be plenty more.
HUGH MARK MYWORDS.
(John Smith)

Sir,
Whichever edition finally brings an end to these ridiculous names, Oh Lord, I want to be in that number.
WENDY SAINSCO-MARCHENIN.
(Greg Watson)

Sir,
As a very regular reader of your magazine for more years than I care to remember, I have a splendid idea for you – get people to write in with made-up names. Now, bet you never thought of that one!
AL ZHEIMER.
(No. It would never work. Ed.)