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A Message From The Headmaster
Issue 1377
dave.jpg Hello and Happy Birthday to me!

I do have to say that I have had better presents than the enormous fruitcake from Mr Farage’s stall, which was left in my study. Imagine my disappointment when out of the cake jumped not a fruity lady but a nut, in the shape of Mr Carswell. He leapt out of the cake shouting “No surprise!”, which he and Mr Farage seemed to find very funny, but which I thought was frankly puerile.

You will remember that Mr Carswell resigned from the staff a few weeks ago and I was hoping never to see him again. However, it seems the teaching post left vacant by Mr Carswell has been filled by none other than Mr Carswell.

My own preferred candidate, Giles Watling (subs, please check), who was such a hit thirty years ago in the school production of Inbred (about amusing Liverpudlian Scouse people oop in t’North), failed in his final interview and Mr Carswell returned by popular demand, to take charge of the Lower Middle Class. Under normal circumstances I would welcome a new member of staff to the Common Room, but since Mr Carswell is neither new nor welcome, all I can say is, “If you want to smoke with Mr Farage, you’ll have to go outside to his stall”.

D.C.

To read more letters from the Headmaster (and of course, the Deputy Head), please buy the latest edition of Private Eye - or subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
28th October 2014.
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Private Eye Issue 1377
private eye Only In The Magazine

Demon confesses to ‘inner Tories’… Joy in Africa as First White People Get Ebola... Story in newspaper not lifted from Cheltenham Festival… Toad and Friends Driven out of Wild Wood… Kevin Pietersen: An Apology… Dreary’s photo casebook: The Freud marriage has communication problems… John Cleese’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown.

And also...

- Trial of the Century: Postscript: Rebekah Brooks withdraws her application for costs.
- Keeping the Lights On: Why the new Hinkley Point plant is wallet-bogglingly good news for EDF.
- Dead Reckoning: Sceptics v Psychics.
For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 28th October 2014.

Private Eye Issue 1376
gnitty