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Sanatorium News
Issue 1393
dave.jpg Great news, sick people! The school sanatorium is going to be open seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day, three-hundred-and-sixty-five days a year, ten years a decade.

Yes, I’m serious about this and the Bursar has promised to find £8 billion to make sure that this happens. The only slight fly in the ointment (prescription charge: £15 a pot, no concessions, sorry), is that Matron is threatening to go on strike, as for some reason she considers it unreasonable to be told to work longer hours for less pay. Come on, Matron, it’s not the 1970s, you know – shape up, or I’ll set Mr Cunt on you.

(Subs, please get Jeremy’s name right. We don’t want to spend the next 5 years, apologising to parents for the unfortunate typo that somehow keeps slipping through the net. D.C.)

To read more letters from the Headmaster (and of course, the Deputy Head), please buy the latest edition of Private Eye - or subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
9th June 2015.
gnitty
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Private Eye Issue 1393
private eye Only In The Magazine

Ukip’s Supreme Leader Purges Rivals: North Korean Times Exclusive!… Heist thieves not arrested: bankers avoid jail… Homophobic Russia Celebrates Eurovision Success… Qatar Builds State-of-the Art Prisons for World’s Media… Captain of Lib Dem Titanic to be Given Key Role… Those Extremist TV Highlights Mrs May Wants to Ban… The Letters of Bernard Berenson & Kenneth Clark, as told to Craig Brown.

And also...

- A Private Eyeful: We’ve increased the type size to improve legibility… and added more pages, more stories, more jokes and more cartoons! In fact the only thing NOT going up in the new 48-page Private Eye is the price . It’s still only £1.80 (or less if you subscribe).
For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 9th June 2015.

Private Eye Issue 1392
gnitty