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new coalition academy
A Message From The Headmaster
Issue 1391
dave.jpg Hello Ė and maybe goodbye...

At the time of writing, weíve yet to have the findings of the OffPiss report into my running of CoAc, which will decide whether I keep my job as Headmaster. And I know people are saying that I donít seem to be bothered one way or the other. Well frankly, who cares what people think? My position is clear. I will stay if Iím wanted. And Iíll go if Iím not. How much more passionate do you want me to be?

Iíve enjoyed my time at CoAc and I think Iíve done a good job, but Iím not going to make a song and dance about it. Iíll leave that sort of thing to Mr Johnson, who clearly wants the job far more than I do. Not that I donít. I do, passionately. If I have to, Iíll do it.

I know some parents think Iím too relaxed to do the job well, but I say that being relaxed 24/7 is one of the key elements of being a successful leader. Remember my predecessors, Mad Old Mr Brown chewing his fingers to the bone late at night, throwing staplers at his assistants as the pressure gradually drove him round the bend? Or Mr Blair spending all night in the chapel, telling God that he was right and that the Almighty had got it all wrong? Or sad old Mr Major imagining all his colleagues in the staff room hated him, which they did? Except me, of course. And Iíd like to thank John for his kind words at the Old Boysí Meeting, where he said that if there werenít any other headmasters available, CoAc could do worse than another five years of me. What more of a ringing endorsement could one wish for?

My point is that this is an incredibly difficult and stressful job, which Iíve found quite easy, due to my talent for switching off, opening a bottle of Bullinger Champagne and playing Angry Birds Ė not, I hasten to add, a reference to Ms Sturgeon, Ms Wood and the Australian one who performed so badly in the Debating Soc showdown (thanks for that gag, Finktank! Iíd never have thought of it myself, as itís a bit sexist, which Iím not)Ö

DC

To read more letters from the Headmaster (and of course, the Deputy Head), please buy the latest edition of Private Eye - or subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
12th May 2015.
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- Maths myths: MD unpicks the partiesí fantasy promises for the NHS
- Princess of Wails: Police launch a new inquiry at the troubled Bridgend hospital
- Headmasterís Message: HelloÖ or is it goodbye from the New Coalition Academy?
For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 12th May 2015.

Private Eye Issue 1390
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