Private Eye logo
twitter
twitter
rss
rss
rss
gnitty
new coalition academy
An Autumn Statement From The Bursar
Issue 1381
george.jpg It’s hard to find the words to describe how well everything is going. Words like “brilliantly”, “swimmingly” and “pretty averagely, to be honest” don’t quite do it justice. But let me put it this way, it’s still autumn at CoAc, when the rest of the world is in the middle of winter. And let’s not forget, by next May we’ll all be basking in a glorious summer. This is what we in the bursary call “seasonal adjustment”.

The headline is... CoAc is officially the most successful school, not just in Europe, but in the world. With the exception of one or two more successful ones. It may not feel like it, so let me explain why it should. For this we need to look at the boring detail. So wake up and pay attention at the back – yes, I’m talking to you, Mr Cable!

The big question is: Is the school in debt – or just in deficit? The straightforward answer is that it all depends what you mean by “debt”. And “deficit”. Are they the same? Are they different? Are they both so enormous that they don’t bear thinking about?

If you want the exact figures, we have halved the level of the deficit of the debt, which would have been twice as much, had we been in debt to the deficit. See how simple it is, Vince? Yes, I know some parents who are in the “business community”, and think they know all about balance sheets etc etc, have accused me of breaking my promise of five years ago. I promised that within five years, I would have stopped borrowing and paid back all the money we owed. I stand by that promise today and fully intend to repeat it now. Within five years, I promise I will have stopped borrowing and paid back all the money we owe. And if we haven’t, I promise I will make the same promise again…

G.O.

To read more letters from the Headmaster (and of course, the Deputy Head), please buy the latest edition of Private Eye - or subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
23rd December 2014.
gnitty
More From This Issue
Mediaballs
All the latest gaffes
more »
Mediaballs
In The Back
The latest stories
more »
In The Back
HP Sauce
Latest stories
more »
HP Sauce
Also Available Online
More From This Issue
Private Eye Issue 1381
private eye Only In The Magazine

Osborne ‘on target to borrow all the Labour policies he needs to win election’… Pub asks Nigel Farage to ‘cover himself up in public with a napkin’… Alex Salmond ‘won’t rule out coalition with himself’… The Picture of Dorian Blair… Tonight on TV: That Mitchell and Pleb Look… Deluded Kim Karkashi Un in US Cyber Attack… Valerie Trierweiler’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

And also...

- Osborne & Little: What the chancellor didn’t say in his Autumn Statement
- Offshore oddity: The NatWest branches with freeholds owned in… sunny Gibraltar!
- Sparts at war: ‘Blackleg’ on the bitter row splitting Mark Serwotka’s PCS union
For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 23rd December 2014.

Private Eye Issue 1380
gnitty