A lot of parents have been looking forward to hearing my new, progressive plans to really get this school moving forward into the twentieth century. We had previously discussed a number of exciting and radical measures to curb smoking in the playground, to cut down on the consumption of tuck-shop cider in break times and to allow old boys to marry each other in the school chapel. But now, since we’ve actually announced our new school policy, those same parents have asked what happened to all those exciting and radical measures.
Well, I’m not going to try and pretend that the dog ate my homework, because the truth is the dog really did eat my homework! Many of you have become familiar with our lovable attack dog Lynton, our Australian Crosby-Rottweiler, who’s very friendly really and only bites people who get him overexcited.
Anyway, Lynton somehow found his way into my study (I expect Mrs May left the door open – as is her wont!) and found the yellow folder marked “Headmaster’s Speech”. The naughty scamp then selected certain policies at random and promptly chewed them up.
There was no time to rewrite them before I had to give my speech to the governors, so I’m sure all parents will now understand why the plans look a bit thinner than they were expecting…